Friday 19 December 2008

The angel that marked me!


Walking away wasn't the hardest part.
Walking away from the person I have truelly loved the most was.
Saying the final good bye, however long that it took.
It would of been less painful to shoot my self in the head.
Walking away knowing how in pain he was, he still is.

Lost, confused and not knowing who he is.
Once he was my confidant, my soul and best friend, I truelly wish that i could be this to him now in his time of need.
Now I don't know who he is, after so much, being lovers to strangers.

The first time he kissed me, it was a touch from the heavens.
The first time he hugged me was like being home.
The first time he made love to me, I felt like a virgin.

If I hadn't of walked away, what would of become of us?
Two lost souls wandering together but so far apart.

When I closed the door to my heart and handed him the key, I knew he wouldn't open the door.
He lost the key the first time and wouldn't fight the door down.

When I turned around I knew I had ripped his heart out.
Was it so bad for me to make him make that choice? To choose and decide how its going to be?
I have wished he had walked away from me!
For me to suffer by his hands would be far less painful for both that for him to suffer by mine.

I wish to heal his heart and soul, be the priest I once was, strong for others but not my self.
But understand this, only he can heal him self.
I want to love him, I do love him.
I have let him go, as that is all I can do!

I hope that he knows that he was and still is my true love.
I love his faults and problems and the distance in every way made no difference to me. He was my confidante, my soul mate, my best friend. He is my fallen angel

Thursday 18 December 2008

Wandering souls!


I think that right now, as i sit here talking and writing and thinking the majority of the world are hurting for some reason how ever small are big it may be. Maybe not even a majority but people fuss and worry over so much with out realising that they need to find them selves and be found before they can make a difference for them self and to others. We all need to find our selves, being lost forever is the worst possible thing. Its horrible that you may never find who you are, that you may find who you are with in your last breaths. We are all lost souls at one point waiting and wondering and learning.

"A person who is so strong but so weak, some one who can smile and laugh but there eyes are so sad even when they smile which opens up there soul to see a shattered soul wandering waiting to be found" Quoted by Laura Ireland

Nighting gale

"A priest with warm healing hands but who is lost wandering the heavens not knowing where to go them selves but to the ones that need her self, never seeing to her own wounds to heal!" Quoted from Laura Ireland

To those out there that wander this world, missing there self and caring for others before there self for what ever reasons that they neglect them selves. Please take a moment to hold your self and cry. Drop the strain of your shoulders and let some one hold your hand for once.

Admitance

I feel very lost and alone in this world because of my daily struggles
waking up and seeing my self in the mirror is hard
I know I don't need any one to make me happy
But i know that I cant make my self happy
I have come to the admitance that I will never be HAPPY I may feel a slight sparkle, try and force out of the darkness for the split second that it shines
I will most likelly cherish those
moments even tho I know that the daily pain will darken out the light

Those people that make the difference!

manic depresion or Bipolar disorder. The disorder is also found in a large number of people involved in the arts. It is an ongoing question as to whether many creative geniuses had bipolar disorder. Some studies have found a significant correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder.

"Beauty and intelegance comes at a price, yes your life is hard and you stuggle but this is the price you have to pay!" Quoted by a passing stranger whom looked into my eyes and say a lost soul. (Thank you for the talk that pulled me through my times in life)

Confusion in a conversation!


I cant smile. when im heart broken and have been for a long time, its not the be all and end all but its hurts like nothing before! And i hate it for being in my life.
How can I take something out of my life that I care so much for as a friend and a confidante but as more also.
Underneath it all.
Watching them get hurt by others over time, When all i want to do is make them happy.
Being there for them, hurts like nothing else. Hurts more than needles in my eyes!
I wish that my eyes were ripped out so i couldnt see it, my heart ripped out so i couldn't feel it, my ears took away so that I wouldnt hear anything.
So that the only thing I could feel would be touch and being untouched for so long its the only feeling that I would be unaffected by.
Admitting this feeling is pain in its self, admiting my thoughts is a map to hurt me.
Because it happens weather I make it or weather its by accident.
Never, it stays with me like a scar.
It itches every so often.
Sometimes I sit here and I admit I feel alone and cold.
And that I'd rather be by my self to cry, shout, mourn as I know that I havent got some one here who seems to care but doesn't truelly.
I have endured so much pain in my life that im no longer afraid of it, I embrace it and I realise when other people are in pain more!

Finding love to care!

"In one way or another i have always suffered. I dont know why exactly. But I do know that im not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt, and I've found some one to feel with. To play with, to love, in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I see him suffer to, and that I want to love him" Quote from the film "The secretary"

I dont know why I love this quote so much, It has meaning to me and others. I think for me to write about something and then Quote this would not give justice. Enjoy..

You are your own person!

Its hard to go through life when you feel you are expected to follow in the footsteps of another, to please your father and your mother. To do as others wish. I'd love for all those whom feel weighed down by the other peoples choices and wants to remeber this quote.

"You are the child of gods holy gift of life. You come from me. But you are not me. your soul and your body are your own. And yours to do with as you wish." Quoted from the bible

Self worth!

Many of us out there that walk the face of this earth. Would die to be loved and think that it is everything and anything to them. That they need it to be complete. You can't rely on any one but your self for happiness or for the support to make you who you are to make your life complete. A Quote I love to think of puts it right where it should be

"I'd rather cry alone and care for my self than to cry with some one else whom appears to care but doesn't"

Paving the way to our future!

I was speaking to some one today, and we spoke about the future and what happenes to use, wether it be how we make it or how it is made for us when we take that first breath. But if that was so wouldn't that be down to our mother and fathers actions, then that would lead back there mother and father and so on. But then I ask my self who is the founder of all our destinys? The person who started of this chain of events if this is our life.

I on the other hand don't see it like this. I am a strong beleiver that some times you can't control what happens to you, sometimes it just happens. But what you can control is thee most important thing. I sit back and I see so many people in this world, so many people whom i have read there life so far, I've seen there strugles and they have still controlled a part of there life that has made a difference.

Once upon a time I would watch TV and watch programs like "Jeremy Kyle show" and such. It amazed me how people would walk up on these programs, or write into these articles and shout about how they are alcoholics and drug addicts because of what they have been through. What about the children who have had to live with aids before they could speak? The minority who grow up and give them selves a chance in life? Do they turn to drugs and alcohol. Me my self from an early age, I've gone through abbusive relationship with my mother, surrounded by drugs, prostitution. Grew up to feel unloved and unwanted living with the scars of my past, relentless at living. Abused by partners and strangers, to being diagnosed as a manic depressive. There could be more. This is not the point of my post but to say why am i so different to the people that we see using these things as an exscuse for there actions? Fine be insecure and weary of people or the future that your past inflicted. But why be so weak and so appologetic and use these as exscuses when many don't. When many use there past as a means to a start.

I am one of the people who sit here, not perticularly sad, but also not perticulary happy. A medium at times and sometimes the latter or the other. I have never used my past how ever horrific it is, neither have the most beautiful souls that i have come across, read, seen, spoke to. They have not turned to alcohol or drugs. They have not used it as an exscuse to rape young children, to beat up there family, to kill there next door neighbor.

We live in a very destruction inflicted world full of lies, Where there is alot of wrong. I am simply sitting here to defend those truelly unhappy, depressed or ill people who do fight to live. Do not use there condition as an exscuse for the shit they inflict on this world. We stand in the shadows but we stand united and im sure that each and every one of you know this that I have said, I want the rest of the world to know.

I have a mental illness, I will not kill my father, I will not rape my son, I will not steal from my supermarket, I am scared but I will not do to others what has been inflicted on me! How hard is this? People who do these awful acts upon our persons, upon our world I want to cast them out of our circle and say they are not us!

Life!


Life begins beautifully and fragically as does death. Life begins with love or no remorse. The love brings life into this world as it does to death. Life is to be celebrated as to ones first birthday. Life is to be cherished as if it was your child. When life flurished at its first breath, we weep with happiness. Some times with guilt and anger life is taken, torn from our reach. Taken away from the tree, apple bitten into by the deseise infested pests. Life is christmas day, suprises at each opening. Bows on everything ready to be ripped away, to be disapointed and pleased. We dont always get what we want. Life is tragic and painful but beautiful and full filling. Life is strange, nasty, painful or just plain emotional.

Mind of darkness!

"This was writen along time ago thinking abut a great passion, a horse. All that have been around horses and understand them as more than just an animal will realise why i wrote this"

Cold hitting me like ice cubes in a pale of water
The curtain closed the window to my soul
I lay there, water hitting my face hoping to wake from the daze
Sitting on the corner thinking, wanting needing
All human emotion invading me
I cried, I felt it, I knew i would.
Satin skimmed my skin, it spiked and flustered as I sighed
Alone again, No i felt it
I felt my love, everything go away
I curled up shivering, trying to forget with sleep
There i was, the sleep closed in on me
Like a sheet of satin, a sheet of black hair
Becoming one with the beautiful
Resembling a....
Warm, welcoming, kind and protecting

Hypercrit!

Hypercrit, Hypercrit, sitting there.
Motionless.
Sitting there, the hybernating bear in its cave.
Her in her chair.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, judging me the way only God should.
Like she was the Judge on her pedestool watching the trial,
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, ignoring me as to say i wasn't there.
Invisable to her eye, I am her blind spot, she posseses no mirrors.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, Treating me as the virus, fleeing from my spread.
Cowering face to face.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, Looking at me with the disapointment of a child at christmas.
I am the dirt under her shoe.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, I loved you and did not once treat you like this.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit.

Why say i did?
why do you acuse me?

Why be a Hypercrit!?

Feelings!


Hate is a beautiful thing. Full of feeling, who we hate it who we feel for.
Love is a wonderful thing. Supposedly it has feelings pouring from the brims like a flooding river.
Both holds great strengh.
It flushes the body like the tides coming in hitting thebody.
These two amazing but destructive feelings come and go like the tide.
Hitting the depths of our soul like the white washed cliffs.
Feelings tell us what is going on in our minds, and around us like the moon telling the tide to move at these precise moments.
But who or what is the moon?
Heart felt breaks and heals at these beautiful times.
Love making our heart throbe, beat faster like the sweltring sun, coursing its rays over the earths body.
Bodys clear as the spring day, blue sky, dewy smell driping from the body of the land and warmth and clour tipping from the brims of the hours passing.
Hate floods our soul like the misty damp nights that pass, mist falling over the eyes reach.
Flooding use with strengh and feeling crushing the soul.
Diming and slowing the heart beaming out darkness with only the moon to shine.
dark - hate
Love and hate the most important feelings to each being.
Ying and yang.
Love brightning the day whilst the darkness must come, hate is inevetable.
These feelings, over you and I, over objects, over words over the world its self.
Battling one another to the last breath.
Seconds for the tiering effects of this fight, the sun and the wind, the story prevails.
The soul and the heart linked, siemeise twins.
Becoming slowelly with age, withered and tired of these spars, becoming dim, motionless and numb.
No more feelings, giving up like the two battling stags, yet to fight another day for there rightful place.
Never to live in peace and harmony.

Love!


Love flurished in that day
I said I knew
Never aloud though

Why?
Who knows!

I battled the feeling like many a time with others in the street
The feelings flustered through me like water gulping through the drain
Trying so hard to wash away the thoughts
Scrubing my self
Self loathing myself emotionally and physically

I was scared

Each in its own with the dates on a flag marking them as if a grave stone
The scars they ached, itched. The back of the mind, body and thoughts

Everyday battling the wounds, battling them as if to be centered in world war 2
In ever place, every inch resembling a battle ground
My body

Thoughts creeping forward
When i felt love, creeping like a young child, like the snake ready to attack
Would the memorys get here? would they course my veins like venom?

Would they once again attack this feeling and make me resent it once again?

I already resented it
It hurt
It ached
I marked the next scar, as if to be staring into a crystal ball
Waited, it never came

(Dedicated to my first love, you will always have a place in my heart no matter what has happened. The past is the past and im here living in the future. No one will ever take your seat in my heart)

Our generation and theres!

In this day and age, with so much hurt and destruction you would expect our elders to be more understanding, more open . Wouldn't you?
Why still is there this face on the world where age is limited to our being, to our self worth, to our feelings and experiences.
I once met a man. Whom was of innocence on par to me. His life so flurished nie on three times my life time. He had not witnessed the pain i had seen and endured, the heart felt pain coursing through my veins but he had seen the world and seen years ive yet to walk. Does that really mean that he is entitled to have the foot hold on these words and feelings that are expected of a persons of age. Does wisdom, heart break, depression, sadness does this really only come with age?

"I am the new generation, you are the new generation. Take my hand and hold it with our generation and take this walk with me, make a change"