The way you make me feel

I hate this feeling, this way you make me feel

The way my heart leaps when I think about you

Every time I get something expecting it to be you

Every time I smiled it was because of you

All my hope and dreams because of you

I hate this feeling, when you took it all away

The way my heart breaks because of you

I dread receiving anything

When I cry and feel lonely, it’s because of you

When my hopes and dreams feel insignificant

This empty feeling you left in my life

You were my friend, my crush and the one I laid my hope on

I trusted you with my heart

I trusted you

Discussion.....

I would like to thank all the people that have left comments, emailed me and poped by. It means alot and its nice to see what people have to say in response to my writing.

I would to like to ask you that if you feel like there is something close to you that you would like to talk about, or to be talked about. Then please contact me as I am always looking for topics to write about as you can tell its something that I enjoy alot.

Don't be shy and even if you just need some one to talk to then it will stay private.

Email me via the website and again thank you for your support and kind words!

Regards Laura xx

Lost.....

When do we become so lost, so lost that we cant find our selves
An empty core evaporated
The only peace from this emptiness, to wander the streets
To feel alone, to want to cry and to want to be lost

Why do we want to be lost when we need to be found
When we wait for the rain in this long drought
Unable to be alone and unable to cry

Secretly crying out to the world with no one listening
Walking the lonely streets with no one there
Why do we stay so lost when we could be found
When walking back to the crowd seems so easy but yet so hard

I feel so lost and my solitary is my only comfort
Feeling my meaningless pain is my pleasure
Blaming the world is my words

Yet this page is empty
My ink doesn’t stain

I’m lost

Withering rose

It makes me angry to watch the colour fade from my TV
I’m watching you in black and white
And I cant change the channel

Looking out the window at you
The rose in my withered garden, full and red
Your outshining the weeds in my garden, but I can see the frost coming

I cant help but cry
Frustrated at watching you like this, helpless to aid you
I’m the stranger in the street walking by and watching you fall

You hold the key to my heart in your hand
I hold out my hand for eternity, withering in the sun
I cant take any more and I wont, I want to give but you don’t take

Seasons pass and you don’t bloom
My garden stays withered and weeded with you in the centre no different
Sitting on my couch banging the TV trying to get some colour
Watering the garden, working my blood and sweat into the soil for nothing to happen

Why wont anything work?
I’m getting so tired and all I want to do is sleep
When I wake up will it be back to normal
Will the hands of time rewind and make it all right?

I miss it all and I don’t want to take back what was mine

Lying in my garden waiting for spring to come
Waiting for your frost to leave
Wishing that the crow will take my eyes away

I cant watch you fade away
I cant stand by while I’m pushed out
I cant stand by when I’m not let in

Its not enough!

I love you,
I love you but its not enough

I’ve loved you since I saw you
I loved you when you held my hand
When you told me it would be ok
When you hid my face from the demons

I love you but its not enough
Its not enough to feed of your love
I need more from you than just this

How can I tell you this
That all you do is give me love
That there is nothing else
It pains me to be thinking this

I need your hand to pull me up
I need you to see what I see
I need for you to feel with me
I need your love but I need more

When you hold my hand I’m lifted up
When you open your eyes I’m no longer alone
When you feel with me I tingle all over
When I love, my love is for you

I was blessed when you walked into my life
More than you can understand
I cant thank you more for what you have given me

Soon I need to make a journey
And I need you, I need you more than any one
Please give me more than just love

Help me sleep at night
Hold me tight and walk with me in the morning
Let the sun shine on us

Its us against the world my darling
don’t leave me sitting out in the rain

Tick tock

Sitting here as the clock ticks, hearing every tick that goes by.
Filled with emptiness as though something cracked and leaked away
Why is it that we get these feeling from such trivial things

Is it our past that fuels us
Fuels us to feel over dramatised feelings about little events
Or is it that our past needs us to rely on small trivial things to survive

We survive in strange ways
By hiding away from what is the real world
But in fact it’s the real world if its part of us and we breath

If we think it, dream it or fantasise about it
Even though we cant touch it or see it
Does not mean that its not the real world

Because we make these thoughts and we want them
And we breath in the air around us and we are the real world
So every essence of us, isn’t that the real world also?

But I am sitting here in the dark listening to the tick
Wondering what to do
Wondering why time has stopped still

With the pain I’ve endured caught in the tear caught with time on my cheek
The pain may not be necessary
But I chose this path and it saddens me when the foundations I walk crumble

My laughter left with the wind
My tears tapped and turned on
My heart pounding, bruising with each beat against the prison wall
My head on a tornados path, for all destruction
My mouth doing as it pleases

I’m sitting there watching my self as time stops
The tick tick tick tock
And I know what I see I did was wrong and what I will, it will be wrong

But all in all, I am human and this is me

Fading away

Finally obtaining that essence I once had
Obtaining the courage to step forward
To finally run after walking an eternity

But when I stumble how will I run again
Bruised and bleeding
Emptiness as my attempts drain the courage I found

When I stumble
Why wont you help me
Why wont you show me the way

You don’t even try to hold my hand

I’m loosing the strength to run
I’m loosing the will to see where I was going

I knew where I was going and I knew how to run
But when I fell and kept falling I cried your name out

Your standing there watching, while I bleed
While I bruise

All I need if your help because I’m dazed and I’m scared

Please take my hand
Help me up
Bring me what I need to stop bleeding

don’t show me the way

Help me find it because the door I opened is closing
Fear is setting in and the wolves are after me
The fire in the sun is fading

I don’t want this to be it, but if it is
What you see happening is me
And I’m fading

The walk we take!

When we walk the same path over and over again
Why still do we loose our way
Our foot prints lost in the earth, no trace of where we walked before

When do we become to realise the path
When can we walk it without confusion
When do we walk it without the pain in our feet

Will we ever ask some one to take the walk with us
Understand the journey we are taking over and over
Show others what we see, what we feel on this walk

Will the path become easier as we walk it more
Will we take a new one, change where we go
Why do the seasons never change

I’ve walked alone along this cold and wintered path
Too long along loosing my foot steps, without a map to aid me
But can I let you come with me or take me to a new one

When I have took a new path, the next one hasn’t been easier
Just different

When you don’t have the strength to walk the path each day
Why would you let some one walk it with you
To see what you do, to feel what you do

Maybe it is meant to be that we walk alone
By our choice or not

But thank you for wanting to walk it with me
But I don’t know where I walked before

I just stumble here each time I wake, each time I walk out the door
I was here before, I am here now, I will be here tomorrow

Ruins

Sat in my dark little quite world
Some one, tall dark and mysterious
Venturing around, shinning his flashlight
Stirring the darkness
Architecture unfolding, observed, documented
That new sound, unfamiliar and annoying
Familiarly becoming wanted, an undieing echo
Becoming
Light let in, the ruins
No longer dark and dusty
Still wandering these once lonely darkened ruins
chiseling at the still uncovered areas
Hitting the wrong place, using the wrong tools
All the progress, all that was
Crumbles
Light fades once again

Me

I feel very lost and alone in this world because of my daily struggles Waking up and seeing my self in the mirror is hard I know I don't need any one to make me happy, but I know that I cant make my self happy I have come to the admittance that I will never be HAPPY I may feel a slight sparkle try and force out of the darkness for the split second that it shines I will most likely cherish those moments even tho I know that the daily pain will darken out the light and I will have this hanging over my life but I take some light into me knowing that I can help people no matter how hard and dark I am!

The angel that marked me!

Walking away wasn't the hardest part.
Walking away from the person I have truelly loved the most was.
Saying the final good bye, however long that it took.
It would of been less painful to shoot my self in the head.
Walking away knowing how in pain he was, he still is.

Lost, confused and not knowing who he is.
Once he was my confidant, my soul and best friend, I truelly wish that i could be this to him now in his time of need.
Now I don't know who he is, after so much, being lovers to strangers.

The first time he kissed me, it was a touch from the heavens.
The first time he hugged me was like being home.
The first time he made love to me, I felt like a virgin.

If I hadn't of walked away, what would of become of us?
Two lost souls wandering together but so far apart.

When I closed the door to my heart and handed him the key, I knew he wouldn't open the door.
He lost the key the first time and wouldn't fight the door down.

When I turned around I knew I had ripped his heart out.
Was it so bad for me to make him make that choice? To choose and decide how its going to be?
I have wished he had walked away from me!
For me to suffer by his hands would be far less painful for both that for him to suffer by mine.

I wish to heal his heart and soul, be the priest I once was, strong for others but not my self.
But understand this, only he can heal him self.
I want to love him, I do love him.
I have let him go, as that is all I can do!

I hope that he knows that he was and still is my true love.
I love his faults and problems and the distance in every way made no difference to me. He was my confidante, my soul mate, my best friend. He is my fallen angel

Admitance

I feel very lost and alone in this world because of my daily struggles
waking up and seeing my self in the mirror is hard
I know I don't need any one to make me happy
But i know that I cant make my self happy
I have come to the admitance that I will never be HAPPY I may feel a slight sparkle, try and force out of the darkness for the split second that it shines
I will most likelly cherish those moments even tho I know that the daily pain will darken out the light

Confusion in a conversation!

I cant smile. when im heart broken and have been for a long time, its not the be all and end all but its hurts like nothing before! And i hate it for being in my life.
How can I take something out of my life that I care so much for as a friend and a confidante but as more also.

Underneath it all.
Watching them get hurt by others over time, When all i want to do is make them happy.

Being there for them, hurts like nothing else. Hurts more than needles in my eyes!
I wish that my eyes were ripped out so i couldnt see it, my heart ripped out so i couldn't feel it, my ears took away so that I wouldnt hear anything.

So that the only thing I could feel would be touch and being untouched for so long its the only feeling that I would be unaffected by.

Admitting this feeling is pain in its self, admiting my thoughts is a map to hurt me.

Because it happens weather I make it or weather its by accident.
Never, it stays with me like a scar.

It itches every so often.
Sometimes I sit here and I admit I feel alone and cold.
And that I'd rather be by my self to cry, shout, mourn as I know that I havent got some one here who seems to care but doesn't truelly.
I have endured so much pain in my life that im no longer afraid of it, I embrace it and I realise when other people are in pain more!

Life!

Life begins beautifully and fragically as does death. Life begins with love or no remorse. The love brings life into this world as it does to death. Life is to be celebrated as to ones first birthday. Life is to be cherished as if it was your child. When life flurished at its first breath, we weep with happiness. Some times with guilt and anger life is taken, torn from our reach. Taken away from the tree, apple bitten into by the deseise infested pests. Life is christmas day, suprises at each opening. Bows on everything ready to be ripped away, to be disapointed and pleased. We dont always get what we want. Life is tragic and painful but beautiful and full filling. Life is strange, nasty, painful or just plain emotional.

Mind of darkness!

"This was writen along time ago thinking abut a great passion, a horse. All that have been around horses and understand them as more than just an animal will realise why i wrote this"

Cold hitting me like ice cubes in a pale of water
The curtain closed the window to my soul
I lay there, water hitting my face hoping to wake from the daze
Sitting on the corner thinking, wanting needing
All human emotion invading me
I cried, I felt it, I knew i would.
Satin skimmed my skin, it spiked and flustered as I sighed

Alone again, No i felt it

I felt my love, everything go away
I curled up shivering, trying to forget with sleep
There i was, the sleep closed in on me
Like a sheet of satin, a sheet of black hair
Becoming one with the beautiful
Resembling a....
Warm, welcoming, kind and protecting

Hypercrit!

Hypercrit, Hypercrit, sitting there.
Motionless.
Sitting there, the hybernating bear in its cave.
Her in her chair.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, judging me the way only God should.
Like she was the Judge on her pedestool watching the trial,
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, ignoring me as to say i wasn't there.
Invisable to her eye, I am her blind spot, she posseses no mirrors.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, Treating me as the virus, fleeing from my spread.
Cowering face to face.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, Looking at me with the disapointment of a child at christmas.
I am the dirt under her shoe.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit, I loved you and did not once treat you like this.
Hypercrit, Hypercrit.

Why say i did?
why do you acuse me?

Why be a Hypercrit!?

Feelings!

Hate is a beautiful thing. Full of feeling, who we hate it who we feel for.

Love is a wonderful thing. Supposedly it has feelings pouring from the brims like a flooding river.

Both holds great strengh.
It flushes the body like the tides coming in hitting thebody.
These two amazing but destructive feelings come and go like the tide.
Hitting the depths of our soul like the white washed cliffs.
Feelings tell us what is going on in our minds, and around us like the moon telling the tide to move at these precise moments.
But who or what is the moon?
Heart felt breaks and heals at these beautiful times.
Love making our heart throbe, beat faster like the sweltring sun, coursing its rays over the earths body.
Bodys clear as the spring day, blue sky, dewy smell driping from the body of the land and warmth and clour tipping from the brims of the hours passing.
Hate floods our soul like the misty damp nights that pass, mist falling over the eyes reach.
Flooding use with strengh and feeling crushing the soul.
Diming and slowing the heart beaming out darkness with only the moon to shine.
dark - hate
Love and hate the most important feelings to each being.
Ying and yang.
Love brightning the day whilst the darkness must come, hate is inevetable.
These feelings, over you and I, over objects, over words over the world its self.
Battling one another to the last breath.
Seconds for the tiering effects of this fight, the sun and the wind, the story prevails.
The soul and the heart linked, siemeise twins.
Becoming slowelly with age, withered and tired of these spars, becoming dim, motionless and numb.
No more feelings, giving up like the two battling stags, yet to fight another day for there rightful place.
Never to live in peace and harmony.

Love!

Love flurished in that day
I said I knew
Never aloud though

Why?
Who knows!

I battled the feeling like many a time with others in the street
The feelings flustered through me like water gulping through the drain
Trying so hard to wash away the thoughts
Scrubing my self
Self loathing myself emotionally and physically

I was scared

Each in its own with the dates on a flag marking them as if a grave stone
The scars they ached, itched. The back of the mind, body and thoughts

Everyday battling the wounds, battling them as if to be centered in world war 2
In ever place, every inch resembling a battle ground
My body

Thoughts creeping forward
When i felt love, creeping like a young child, like the snake ready to attack
Would the memorys get here? would they course my veins like venom?

Would they once again attack this feeling and make me resent it once again?

I already resented it
It hurt
It ached
I marked the next scar, as if to be staring into a crystal ball
Waited, it never came

(Dedicated to my first love, you will always have a place in my heart no matter what has happened. The past is the past and im here living in the future. No one will ever take your seat in my heart)